WEEK 9

FIRST DRAFT

Soleil sat staring up at the grey sky amidst the smog of the busy Auckland City Business District. She wondered where exactly the rain came from. She imagined a giant man resembling old Mr Xian from the dairy up there wearing a great big straw hat and orange gardening gloves, happily watering her city with a great big green watering can. Soleil was giggling at the thought of grumpy old Mr Xian wearing that funny straw hat when she heard her mother call from inside their tiny apartment. “My sweet Soleil, would you find me the tallest heels from the kitchen closet please? Mommy’s running late for work again, baba.”

She crawled inside the window off the roof of Xian’s Dairy below and rolled forward onto the sofa sitting right under the window ledge, her feet landing on the dusty and stained carpet below. She jetted off towards the kitchen pantry just metres across from the sofa, past the small box television from Miss Sutton’s Pawn shop and littered walls of her artwork from all the free kid’s holiday programmes at the local church.  The Latin music from Maria’s Salsa classes carried into the kitchen from across the road and Soleil automatically began to shake her bottom to the catchy tune while as she opened the door to the kitchen pantry. She already knew which ones her mother was after but asked anyway, “the glittery or black ones mommy?”. She reached for the jar of marshmallows she’d left beside her own favourite flower printed gumboots.

“Which ones will make mommy taller?”

“…the glittery ones!”

“Then glitter it is my fairy!”

Armed with a jar of marshmallows under one arm and pair of strappy gold stilettos in each hand, Soleil bumps the pantry door closed with her hip and marched around the corner towards the only bedroom in the apartment. She stopped to shimmy at every drum roll in the music from Maria’s on the way before entering through the beaded curtain to their bedroom. “Why thank you, darling”, Raindrop said as she swiftly scooped the heels from her daughter’s hands and floated towards their unmade queen size bed covered in feather boas, robes and revealing tight-fitting dresses. There she sat on the edge and began to put her shoes on, “OK my little fairy, mommy has another mission for you. Do you reckon you could turn yourself into a scuba-diver now and fetch me my earring at the bottom of this deep dark sea over here?” she asks beckoning to the pile behind her. Soleil sets the jar of marshmallows on the dresser and looks at her mother inquisitively. “You better be quick now, the floor is turning into quicksand! The only safe land is the bed!” Raindrop suddenly draws up her legs to her chest afraid to touch the floor now. Soleil squeals with delight as she hurries across the bedroom floor towards her now visibly worried mother and safety …

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4 thoughts on “WEEK 9

  1. A very good start to you’re piece, I can see that you have decided to slowly ease in the setting in the development so I can’t really comment on your description and such on your fictional world as you are still laying down the foundations 🙂 I also would like to just point out a few minor mistakes that needs to be corrected:

    – Capitalize the beginning in one of the dialogue, take off the period after the speech marks and instead insert it within…”the glittery or black ones mommy”.

    – The comma after a dialogue is not necessarily needed…”Why thank you, darling”,…The comma however is needed inside the speech marks as Raindrop continues to speak afterwards.

    Other than those two that I’ve pointed out, I can’t wait to read more. Keep up the good work!

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    1. Hi Elisabeth, thank you for those pointers! I will definitely apply them as I go along with this first draft. I just realised also that it would probably be easier for me to type out my story on word as you have as doing it directly on the site has some limitations in terms of autocorrect and other helpful features word would have in developing my story. Cheers

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  2. Hi Teresa,

    You have gotten off to a good start with your story. Even though you haven’t written much, you have already started to build the world your characters live in a great deal (especially for only a couple of paragraphs). I am looking forward to reading more.

    One thing I would like to suggest is to maybe try and separate your bigger paragraphs into small sections for easier reading, especially because there is dialogue in these paragraphs. This story is targeted towards children so you would want the text to be in small readable chunks that are easy for children to process, not long winded paragraphs.

    Hope this helps and keep up the good work!

    Stephanie.

    Like

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